Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

“TGIM!” – My liver

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof