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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Rare photo of two submarines racing
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.