Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

I needed a laugh this morning.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife