taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
calling in to work dehydrated
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
