Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?