[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I think my mom just blocked me
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.