Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I can’t deal with men any longer

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*