[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.