Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAKING NEWS!!

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

Me (young, naive); I hope something good happens

Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Erm I’m gonna say no

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars