Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

That’s fair

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.