Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”