Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.