Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT