Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.