Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

January has been Januweary

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

The Book. The Movie.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it