Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

This is my pinned tweet

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.