Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars