Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

🤣🤣

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.