Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I hate everything

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.