Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”