Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.