[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.