Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You Might Also Like
[talking to a girl at the gym]
me: [nervous] so do u work out
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
guys i’ve cracked the code
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.