[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?