[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
sleeping beauty
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it