[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Cool shirt 🙂
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
