[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.