Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link