[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Has there ever been a more American story?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.