Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Spotted in the wild

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

realest tweet ever.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

😂😂

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.