Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog