Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone