Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?