taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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i meant to share this earlier
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
the duality of man
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming