taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
This is hilarious….
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.