Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.