Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?