[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me driving through Toronto
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane