Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Good morning.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

Where is your GOD now????

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.