Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Midwest trash talk

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.