[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.