Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
They’re not wrong
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.