Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Oh no
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU