taking June’s advice to heart
You Might Also Like
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Genius.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean