Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

guys I’m going home

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison