taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt