taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
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14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
watergate? u mean a dam??
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”