taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
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Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.