taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.