Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…