Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Important
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.