Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Phones down.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.