Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook marketplace is a different world

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.