taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.