taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.