[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
im 7 sauces long
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat