[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.