Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.