[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My five year plan is a meteorite
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings