Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

best first i’ve ever seen

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

*files a restraining order against reality*

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.