[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Noah
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.