Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

A drum solo but on your face.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

🤣

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram