Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no