Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
And then there were 4
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.