Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”