[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants