[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive