Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

I think about this a lot

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

😲 WTF? 😆

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot