Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

CUTE CAT‼︎

This took me a second..

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

You can’t outrun your problems…

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Lmao

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.