Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.