Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me