Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.