Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
found a horse’s reddit account
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.