Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

(Jupiter –

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

I hope they boil the right one.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.