Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.