Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Dolls on drugs
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.