Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea