Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.